Mirrors: Control (Part 3)
Control is one of my greatest battles in life. Seriously, if a dime was given for every repentance on this thing alone my entire Bachelors and a Masters degree could have been paid for in full. It is a daily struggle to take my hands off of things and allow God to reign in every area of my life. As tough as it is, there is nothing more freeing. It is kind of like skydiving.
My first experience jumping out of a moving aircraft 14,000 feet in the air was for my golden birthday.The entire experience was exhilarating, but when the door of the airplane opened and the instructor strapped to my back pushed us toward the wind howling exit I may have stopped breathing. That moment was the ultimate facing of my fears, having absolutely no control. This fear was something that I actually began to face years ago in my dorm room as a junior in college, as my need for control was taking its toll on every aspect of my life.
Anorexia was my controlling device of choice since I was 15 years old. What started as a diet prescribed by a doctor turned into my drug of choice. I use to purposefully push my body to the limits, and get a high off of how far I could go while still functioning through day to day expectations. It made me feel invincible, like a super hero, to defy what doctors and medical research said the body can and cannot do. Then it began to defy me. Medical complication after medical complication left me unable to digest most food, collapsing from sugar lows at random, and in a state of complete exhaustion. My attempt to control everything left me in absolute despair. Kind of like the moment the instructor had me at the door of the airplane about to jump out.
The moment you jump, there is absolutely nothing else you can do accept embrace it. Free-falling is the most tranquil thing on the face of the planet. Everything is hushed. All your thoughts, every sound, nothing else matters. It is the most "in the moment" you could possibly ever be. The moment of despair that jolted me into finally jumping out of the aircraft of an eating disorder was the reality of this "bad habit" of mine having taken over my life.
I had started counseling and working to resolve the issue because people told me it was not healthy, but I was addicted and all the knowledge I had on anorexia had not hit my heart until one particular day. There is nothing more powerful than the voice of the Lord, and as I was reluctantly making my lunch, He spoke so clearly straight to my heart. "This is your idol." My heart broke. Putting anything before my beloved Savior destroyed me. As much as I loved God, I loved this more. That moment, I promised that I would eat for Him. This began my journey in trusting God with everything.
"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
On my journey of giving up, letting go, and letting God have full reign in every aspect of my life has been exactly like skydiving. Terrifying, disparing, but then oh so freeing. There is no "how to" in this post, because that is something that comes directly from each individual heart between you and God. When you give God control, worry perishes and anxiety secedes to exist. I have a personal assistant/planner now. His name is Holy Spirit, and He is the direct helper from God send to me. He always takes care of everything, and let's me know when I am trying to put Him out of a job. It has been a long time coming, and mastering this skill is something far from me, but I can promise you this, it is worth it. A control freak now lives in a state of free-falling with God, and loves it. My new addiction is letting go, because it is so much harder, and thrilling! Giving up control is an exhilarating adventure full of wonder, and all are welcome.
For those of you reading who may not identify with believing in God (one almighty, all knowing being who created us and everything we know). You probably think that I am a total loon. "This girl is putting her hope and trust into something invisible." I may not be able to "see or feel God" in the same sense that I could you if we were sitting side by side. It is not the same, because you and I would not have the same intimacy level. When God walks in the room, there is absolutely nothing like it. It is as if your soul was not fulfilled and a massive piece of you was missing that you never knew existed. Even if I were wrong and the entire thing was a sham, I would have no regrets. Believing in God as the ultimate higher power, who's love, affection, and adoration I have no matter what I do or do not do, has made me the best person possible. I am happier, care for others more, and people enjoy me more. Through my faith, I have been made whole.
"If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9 If you want in, start over and fresh, that is how. It truly is that simple, human "religion" (another result of human need for control) is what has complicated everything. Let go, let God, and just watch. You will be amazed, and without regret.