For so long, I had believed that to be loved you had to be perfect. You must do your best not to irritate or upset someone, even if that means making yourself something you are not. My idea of love, was very conditional and incredibly unnatural for any human. We were not meant to fall in love with the kind of filters someone has, but the raw, realness of who they are. Inside and out. Every struggle and strength. All the positive light places, as well as the dark dingy ones. That does not happen quickly though, because sometime we do not even know all those places within ourself. Dating is not a game of operation/inspection to pass the test to apply to be a spouse. The process of knowing someone like that will take your whole life. True love is everlasting. No matter one’s condition, past, present, or future, it cannot be removed. Love is a decision, a promise, a daily decision to choose and sacrifice a little of yourself for someone else over and over again.
That is where my definition has ended for the most part. I, like most singles, want to be married someday. I have had ideas of what that might look like, what type of person I should be with, and the perfect little family I may have. Part of my problem is that I am planning what I should be building with someone when that time comes, rather than breaking ground myself. Making decisions ahead of time just about removes the entire point of marrying someone. To build a life together. Instead of building the perfect life and person in my mind, I have come to realize that I just need to fall in love with a person for who they are. Instead of making a list of all the characteristics I want to see in a man and saying, “Nope! Bye Felicia.” I need to slow down, and take in all that someone is. Important conversations will happen naturally, and strong character flaws will leak out on their own as the quantity time increases.
I want to be loved for who I am as a person. Not because what I am talented at something, what I do is inspiring, or that I am attractive. At the end of the day, I want to come home and be embraced regardless of my victories and failures. No matter how high or low I am personally, I want to be loved the same. Chosen every day the same as day 1. I want to really know someone and them know me. That takes time. Simple, effortless, time together. Doing nothing yet building everything together because no married couple sits around picking each others brains all day or planning elaborate dates. I want to be able to simply be with someone, and be happy, content, and feel loved regardless of conversation, touch, or effort. To me, that is a secure love. Something that doesn’t hinge on anything but being together. Taking on life together. Learning more about ourselves and each other together. Being the person right next to the other in every endeavor personally and within one’s career.
This my new idea of love. Compatibility really does not matter if you are not willing to be known by someone. A relationship can only go so far and never reach the point of matrimony without risking it all. Taking every guard down and letting someone know and see you for everything you are and aren’t. Every scar, every wound, every good and bad characteristic trait you possess. The idea is absolutely petrifying. Vulnerability and I do not have the greatest relationship, but I have come to realize that you cannot have the kind of relationships that you desire without it. You will never reap the reward if you are not willing to run the risks. First things first though, you have to know and love yourself. If there is self contempt or insecurity, the relationship will absorb the same thing. Relationships reflect the dysfunction of the members. The more whole you are as a person, the healthier a relationship will be. No one should become a project, we are our own projects. We should always be growing, improving, learning, and becoming more and more like the person God always intended us to be. If each individual is doing that within a relationship, their purpose as a couple will grow and vision for their passions to collide will unveil with ease.
Maybe this is a ridiculous way of thinking, but I think approaching a relationship in this manner is 10 times healthier than with a check list, expectations, plans, a map, or 10 different masks. Simply spending time together doing regular things and being yourself is more revealing than 100 intense conversations or years of dates. We have complicated it. Probably trying to avoid the very thing I am attempting in my own relationships, to be vulnerable. To let someone know who you really are, what you really think, and your struggles. In that there is so much room for pain, but there is just as much room for love, acceptance, and fulfillment. I know that my idea's will change when I am married, then again if I am ever a mom, but that is the point. Love cannot be defined because we are constantly learning more about it as we learn to love better and are loved by others.
Love is a journey, not a destination.